Monday, November 2, 2009

race retorts

"I don't want to race," I announced to Stephen after scouting out the fairgrounds cyclocross course. "I can't ride the hill and I can't jump on my bike1 and there are a ton of crazy people watching and they're all going heckle2 me." "Don't be silly," Stephen said.

Five Things People Yelled at Me During the Surf City Race

  1. "It's called a run-up, not a walk-up!": Actually, even "run-up" would be a charitable description for a feature most people just rode. I lacked the balls to experiment with the physics of the situation and so instead hauled myself up the slope by grasping at foliage. Classy.
  2. "Oh my God, bitch, are you serious?": At one point, my mountaineering interfered with the chosen line of a smokey-eyed junior women's racer (i.e. teenage girl) who had perhaps listened to a little too much Avril Lavigne during warm-up. Good luck to her rivals for Homecoming Queen, is all I've got to say about that.
  3. "THIS IS THE LIFE YOU CHOSE!": I dedicate my prize bag (Halloween candy and a sample of "Hoo-Ha Ride Glide") to the motivational force of this comment, which at the time struck my oxygen-deprived brain as profound.
  4. "Hey, look, it's awkward turtle!": Yes, OK, I struggle with the part where you have to coordinate all your limbs—all of them!—and get on and off on your bike quickly. I wonder what they would have said if I'd had Sam around ...
  5. "Are you riding a bike or a popcorn machine?": It's also possible that I ignored advice to adjust my tire pressure from what I use to commute 10 miles a day on pavement. Regret, if you were wondering, is a tingly-to-numb sensation from the hands to the shoulders.
Whatever! I'm loving the short format, variety, puppies, soft surfaces, cowbells and bacon ... and the rest just builds character.
1. The airborn fellow is Brannon racing at Livermore in October. Photo by Katie P.
2. Video from last weekend at Coyote Point. Skip to 6:09 for comedy: "You don't want to be beat by Fruit of the fucking Loom!"


Katie said...

hah, is that heckler Chris Alford's friend?

Tim said...

Oh man, great post. LOL @ the heckler.